After a miscarriage: a child known to God

IWhat happened is real, and so is your grief

If you are reading this in the first raw days, begin here: you are not overreacting. A life began, and a life has ended. Some people around you may not know what to say, and some may say too little. The Church does not ask you to hurry past this, and neither do we.

Scripture keeps a mother’s grief in its own words. The prophet hears it rising over a whole people:

Rachel is not rebuked for refusing comfort. Her weeping stands in the Bible, and it stands there for you. If you are bleeding heavily, feel faint, or are in pain, call your doctor or 911 first. This page is for the soul; it is not medical advice.

IIWhat the Church teaches about babies who die before baptism

The question under every other question is simple: where is my child? The Church answers it honestly, which means she answers it with hope rather than with a guarantee she has not been given.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church (no. 1261) says that for children who have died without Baptism, “the Church can only entrust them to the mercy of God, as she does in her funeral rites for them.” It then points to two things: the great mercy of God, who wills that all be saved, and Jesus’ tenderness toward children. Together these “allow us to hope that there is a way of salvation for children who have died without Baptism.”

In 2007 the International Theological Commission published a long study of this question, The Hope of Salvation for Infants Who Die Without Being Baptised, approved for publication after Pope Benedict XVI gave his approval in an audience on 19 January 2007. Its conclusion is careful and consoling at once: there are serious grounds to hope that such infants are saved, and these are, in its words, “reasons for prayerful hope, rather than grounds for sure knowledge.” The same study describes the old idea of limbo as “a possible theological opinion” — a theory, not a teaching of faith.

So hold both truths together. The Church does not tell you she knows. She tells you she hopes, and she gives you reasons. You are allowed to hope with her, and to pray for your child, trusting in the mercy of God.

IIINaming your baby

Giving your child a name is not a rite of the Church, and it needs no one’s permission. It is simply a way of saying what is true: this was a person, and this person was yours. What God said to the prophet Jeremias is the Church’s confidence about every human life, known before it was seen:

• Choose the name together if you are married; a father grieves too, often more quietly.
• If you did not learn whether your child was a boy or a girl, many parents choose a name that could be either, or a saint’s name that fits the day the child was lost.
• Write the name somewhere it will stay: the family Bible, the back of an image of Our Lady, or the remembrance list in the Mater Dolorosa companion, kept on your own device unless you turn on sync.
• Say the name aloud in prayer. It will feel strange at first, and then it will feel like love.

Isaias heard God promise a faithfulness greater even than a mother’s: “Can a woman forget her infant, so as not to have pity on the son of her womb? and if she should forget, yet will not I forget thee. Behold, I have graven thee in my hands” (Isaias [Isaiah] 49:15–16, Douay-Rheims).

IVBurial, a funeral, and a Mass

You may want to bury your child, and the Church makes room for that. The Code of Canon Law (canon 1183 §2) provides that the local ordinary (in a diocese, the bishop, his vicar general or an episcopal vicar; canon 134) can permit a Church funeral for children whom their parents intended to baptize but who died before baptism. The Catechism, as we saw, itself mentions the Church’s funeral rites for these children. Ask your parish priest early; he will know how your diocese handles it.

• Tell the hospital or your doctor as soon as you can that you wish to bury your child, and ask what their practice is.
• Ask your parish whether a funeral or a graveside prayer is possible, and whether there is a Catholic cemetery with a place for infants.
• The Church strongly recommends burial of the body; canon 1176 §3 does not forbid cremation unless it is chosen for reasons contrary to Christian teaching. If cremation is chosen, the Church asks that the ashes of the faithful be laid to rest in a sacred place, not kept at home or scattered (Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, Ad resurgendum cum Christo, 2016); ask your priest how this applies to your child.
• If burial is not possible — an early loss at home, or no remains — you can still ask a priest to offer a Mass for your family’s consolation, and keep a day of remembrance each year.

VA prayer after miscarriage

Pray it alone, or with your husband, or have someone pray it over you when you cannot. Where the bracket stands, say your child’s name if you have given one.

Mary knows this road. The Gospel places her there plainly: “Now there stood by the cross of Jesus, his mother” (John 19:25, Douay-Rheims). The Mater Dolorosa companion keeps the Stabat Mater and the Seven Sorrows for the long evenings.

VIGrief has a long road: help for the hard days

Grief after miscarriage can return without warning: at the due date, at a friend’s baby shower, on the anniversary. That is not a failure of faith. “The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a contrite heart: and he will save the humble of spirit” (Psalm 33:19 [34:18], Douay-Rheims). Let someone near you carry part of it — your husband, a friend, a priest, a counsellor.

If the darkness grows heavier instead of lighter, reach out today:

• If you are thinking about ending your life, or are afraid you might, call or text 988 — the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. It is free, confidential, and open 24 hours a day.
• National Maternal Mental Health Hotline: call or text 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262), a free and confidential line for pregnant women and new mothers, open 24 hours a day in English and Spanish.
• Postpartum Support International HelpLine: call 1-800-944-4773 (English or Spanish), text “Help” to the same number in English, or text en español 971-203-7773. You leave a confidential message and a trained volunteer returns your call or text between 8am and 11pm Eastern. It is not a crisis line; in a crisis, call or text 988, or call 911.
• If you are in danger or need urgent medical help, call 911.